So, i'm writing a novel.

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Pyrokinesis
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So, i'm writing a novel.

Postby Pyrokinesis » Thu Sep 30, 2010 11:01 pm

For a contest. Just thought id post it here to get some feedback.

Chapter 1: Don't Stop Believin'

Neo-Akashi, 2034. One of the few cities that could be rebuilt. During the chaos of World War III, most of the major cities had been wiped out. We were luckyto be alive. I felt this city. I felt it's heartache, and it felt mine. The bombing that ended the war had only been 2 years ago. I lost everything that day. My dad waskilled by the bombs, and my mother... she died from the sickness. It was hard to be 14 with no parents, especially in this world, but over the last 2 years, i have matured greatly. Hikari is all i have left. And she is all i need. My name is Hiiro. And this is my life.



I walked down the war torn streets of Neo-Akashi. It wasn't just me though. With me was my girlfriend, Hikari. The only person i have left in my life. We were both orphaned during the bombings of Japan in 2032. And no one took pity on us. Everyone walking down the street just passed us by. We were the bottom of the foodchain as far as anyone was concerned. And to make matters worse, Hikari was sick. Not fever sick. Not radiation sick. Just... throwing up sick. I had no idea what was wrong. People never seem to get sick anymore. I see the look of worry on her face and it sends an uncomfortable chill down my spine.

"Are you ok?" I asked her, gently rubbing the top of her hand with my fingers.

"I will be," She answered, smiling uneasily. "It's just... all this walking is tiring me out."

"Do you need me to stop so we can rest?" I asked.

"Yes, that would be nice," was her answer.

We walked another minute or so untill we came to an alley. We walked slowly into it and sat against a brick wall. I put my left arm around her and she laid her headon my shoulder. I turned and kissed her forehead gently.

"I love you," I whispered gently in her ear, smiling to myself.

"I love you too," she said as she snuggled into me.

"I wish...' i started, "That i could make things better for you... I wish i could do more for you."

"Oh be hush now silly," She answered. "You give me everything i've ever wanted. You're all that i need Hiiro. You're my forever."

"Heh," I answered. "Then i guess i'm going to have to make forever last as long as possible."

As i finished my sentence, it suddenly happened... Hikari got sick again. I did my best to comfort her and keep her hair out of the way.

"Hikari! Are you ok!?" I asked her frantically, praying that she was fine.

"Hiiro..." she whispered softly. "I think i know whats happening."

"Tell me Hikari, let me help." I told her.

"Hiiro... I'm pregnant."

The words hit me like a knife. How could this happen? How could we raise a baby here?

"Are you sure," i asked her.

"A mother knows," Was her answer.



"What... what are we going to do?" I asked her, pondering our different choices.



"Well..." she answered slowly with an almost blank expression on her face. "We can't just stay here... this isn't the kind of town to raise a... baby..."



Baby... Just hearing the word... It just didn't seem natural. I had never planned for anything like this. I never thought it to be possible that this could

happen. Not now... that after all thats happened.



"We can't just leave right away," I told her. "It's going to take some time. At least a month... We have to find somewhere we can go... Somwhere safe for... babies"



"Somewhere with trees," She answered almost immediantly.



I knew this was probably just wishful thinking. It was very unlikely that there was going to be any trees anywhere we went. Even the small flowers could

barely survive. And trees were just bigger targets. I left her thoughts in the back of my mind. This wasn't the time to daydream about trees and flowers.

I had to think about what was best for Hikari... What was best for... our baby.



"We'll... have to see honey." I answered slowly. "Maybe we will find some trees somewhere."

I gave her a fake, reassuring smile.



"We... probably need to get going Hiiro," Hikari said as she stood.

"

You aren't doing so well hon," I said and picked her up putting her on my back. "So you ain't walking," I finished smiling.



"Hiiro... you don't have to baby me," She said, almost pouting.



"You be hush now," I answered letting her know that she would not under any circumstances be let go of.



I walked down the street with Hikari on my back. Although we did get some strange looks, i knew that she was secretly glad i was carrying her... The last thingshe needed wasto be tired out from walking. I took a few minutes, but we eventuelly made it to the one room apartment that we were currently calling home.It was a difficult life to live... But a life none the less. And i life is always worth living. To the very end. I laid her down on our litte bed. She was alreadyasleep, tired out from the days event. I laid down next to her and tried to fall asleep, but i couldn't stop thinking about myself, Hikari, and our baby.I knew life was going to be much more difficult now. I knew i would have to be strong for both... no... for the three of us. We would get though this. We aresurvivers. And i will never give up on us.

That night, when i finally fell asleep, i dreamed of trees.


So? Good? Bad? Meh? I just want opinions.
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Re: So, i'm writing a novel.

Postby italianstal1ion » Thu Sep 30, 2010 11:40 pm

Well, this is a horrible forum to be posting this on, but I'll bite. I'm an English major (a young one, granted) but also a critic through and through so I'll say what I think.

First, the comment of "I'm writing a novel" is much too naive and makes me instantly dislike any work that you could possibly put on here. But I'll put that aside for now. But this review is going to be mean, so hold on.

The chapter title makes me think this is a joke, but I'll spend my time on this anyway. Is it a reference to Journey? Unless its the main characters favorite song or something, then its very flimsy and doesnt fit with a future setting.

Obvious grammar mistakes. luckyto, waskilled. Fix those.

What are you even talking about?? Neo-Akashi, 2034. DESCRIBE NEO-AKASHI. I have no emotion for this city at all. Then you say World War III like its not least clever way to tell us there was a disaster, and you'd better have a strong education in history to make it seem rational that there would be a world war III and for what reasons. Who the hell is we? Why are you talking about yourself right afterwards?? Who gives a **** about you I want to know what the city is like!!

We were lucky to be alive but your parents are dead?? Then who was lucky to be alive?? We, as a people of Neo-Akashi? or him and his friends? The sickness? These are easy way outs from explaining the real cause of the problems. Why is it gone? Oh, world war 3. Bombings. Sickness. You know, it happens. No, I don't know, its 24 years in the future I know nothing about it at all. When did they even die?

I can see its supposed to be an overview of his life, but its too broad. I don't like it. If you are going for broad, say 'my parents are dead and I had to raise myself since I was 14' not some bullcrap nonsense sickness and bombings ****. You can explain later in dialogue and add emotion to the character by describing the sickness of your mother and how she died rather than off-handedly mentioning in your intro.

So thats a prologue. The next part is live action so it has to be.

Hikari, blah blah blah, I still don't know what the town looks like. I have no emotions for the main character because he hasnt described his sadness in any way. You are skipping all the hard work.

Your sentence structure leaves something to be desired. Fragments galore. Most of them are way too short. "And no one took pity on us" is not a sentence. Countless other examples I won't list.

You assume your reader just knows it was atomic bombs or radiation bombs that hit the city a long time ago. I have to think way too much to put these ideas together. I only assumed that when you said Hikari wasnt "radiation sick" then I think OHHH it was atomic bombs or worse that hit the city and thats why she isnt that kind of sick. Why else would you mention it?

She was orphaned, like me, in the bombings. Not we were both. We already know the main character's parents died, its better to relate the idea directly to another character than repeat information.

Your writing is very disorganized. Its like City description CUT SHORT, some thoughts that arent related to much things, then something else. I had forgotten by now you were walking with Hikari because it wasnt very obvious, seeing as you never mentioned it twice in your monologue about being ignored. It seemed more like a glance into the past rather than being ignored in the present.

SURPRISE DIALOGUE

Walking? I never got the sense you walked very much.

Do you need ME to stop? Why do you reference yourself (I mean, why does the character reference himself) alone when he should be saying WE should stop??

We walked. We walked. Headon. I still don't care about these characters at all and now I have to listen to their teenage melodrama??? Where the hell is my Neo-Akashi?? Where the hell are they besides "in an alley"?? I would assume they are in an alley in 1950 since nothing really shows they are in 2034 besides just saying Its 2034.

OHH shes pregnant! She has no personality traits except sick and pregnant! This girl is terrible!

A mother knows, blah blah, she lost her mother she wouldnt talk like that. I know she is referencing herself, not her mother, but I'm pretty sure "mom" and "dad" would be way out of their vocabulary seeing as it would bring up horrible emotions.

Why did you even say neo-akashi? Its not even important? Its a teenage drama. This could easily take place in any time zone the way you have it out.

OK good. Trees. I like that. Somewhere with trees to raise a baby. Its a sweet thought amongst the rest of these sentences.

The dialogue is so forced and robotic. I'm sorry. Its very predictable. You be hush now? What is that?

This sentence is short. This sentence shorter. This sentence. Sentence. Your sentences are way too short, it breaks up the idea too much.

Bad spelling in the last paragraph.

You need some more vocabulary. Said, said said, laid, We. It sounds like its written by a sixth grader. Which I don't know, maybe you are?

I can't see a novel coming out of this, no way no how.

To make it better;
DESCRIBE THE FUTURE I have no clue what is going on.
DESCRIBE THE CURRENT ACTION I have no clue what they are doing.

...

That's about all I have to say for now.
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Re: So, i'm writing a novel.

Postby SUSAltd » Fri Oct 01, 2010 12:54 am

italianstal1ion wrote:But this review is going to be mean, so hold on.

Holy pants you weren't kidding.

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Re: So, i'm writing a novel.

Postby vedicardi » Fri Oct 01, 2010 2:32 am

This is pretty bad. Thank god for italian, my man my man!

-- Edit: Fri Oct 01, 2010 12:36 am --

We have to find somewhere we can go... Somwhere safe for... babies


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Re: So, i'm writing a novel.

Postby Pyrokinesis » Sun Oct 03, 2010 11:06 pm

Thanks for the... brutally honest review.

Im not in 6th grade, im in 10th. Just for future reference. I will go back to the first chapter and describe the city.... that was a good suggestion.
Im gonna go ahead and post chapter 2.... I dont think it is that grea+t, but the people ive showed it to say it is part. Guess its a personal preference...


Chapter 2: Love Spreads

It was 4:57 AM. I awoke to the sound of falling rain. And rain was usually not a good thing. Due to the bombings, we still got acid rain pretty often. It was definately not safe to beoutside during the rain. So hardly anyone in their right mind would even think about going outside.

I took my first step out the door.

I ran quickly through the war torn streets covered with only my jacket and the tops of roofs. I knew were i was going. But Hikari didn't. So i would have to be quick.I had to get back before she woke up. I couldn't waste any time. I finally came to the familiar little shack and entered. As i moved slowly through the it in thequiet morning. I knew why i was here. And i knew i didn't want to be. Finally i saw him. A middle aged man sitting in a small chair in the middle of the room.This was the man i needed to see. He was a wanted man. And quite possibly a dangerous man. With all the gang activity after the bombings, weapon making became a verygood job to have. This particuler man made guns. And he was among the best. I knew him fairly well. I even worked for him every once in a while. So he owed me a fewfavours. The wilderness, outside of the city was very dangerous. And i knew if me and Hikari were ever going to find our little paradise with trees and grassy plains,we would need protection. And thats why i had to come here. Hikari dissaproved of guns, and she dissaproved of gun makers. So i had to make sure she didn't know. Ihated not telling her the full truth, but sometimes you have to do the things you don't want to do to protect the people that you love the most. The man's name wasShin. I didn't if it was his first or last. But it didn't matter. His name was Shin. Just Shin. And you never wanted to be on his bad side. He didn't move a muscleas i stepped into his room.

"Hiiro," He said in an emotionless voice, with an entirely blank expression on his face

"Shin," I said, trying not to show any emotion.



"You must have a good reason for coming here," He said as he stood up and walked slowly towards the window. "So what is it?"



"Were leaving. Hikari and I," I answered. "For good... She's pregnant."



He didn't seem surprised at all. His face showed no emotions. I didn't know what he was thinking about. And i don't think i'd want to.



"And?" He started. "Why are you telling me this?"



"The wilderness is a dangerous place," I said trying to keep my emotions off my face.



"I know," He answered in a cold uncaring way.



"So i need something for protection," I started. "A Gun, specifically."



"Sounds more like you needed a condom to me," He answered.



I wasn't expecting him to say that of course. But i kept under control. I didn't have time to argue with him. I had to get back home before Hikari woke up.



"That is beside the point. I didn't come here to have "The Talk", i came here because i need a gun. So, do you have one i can use? Or am i just wasting my time?" I answered quickly, trying not to get mad. Trying not to waste time.



He said nothing. He only nodded and walked into a room somewhere in the back. I had never been in this room. But i knew what was there. When he came back,he was holding a cigarette in one hand, and a small handgun in the other. The gun was pocket sized, which was good if i didn't want Hikari finding outabout it.



"This is custom. I call it the Storm IV. It's a slightly smaller version of my Hurricane IV. Pocket sized, holds 16 per clip."



He continued to describe the gun for a minute and then he handed it to me. It was fully loaded. I thanked him and turned to walk away.



"Wait..." He called after me. With a hint of sadness in his voice. It was the first i had ever heard him say anything with any form of emotion whatsoever. I turned and faced him.



"Go to the east," He said. "Theres still places, if you go far enough, that are untouched by war. There are still plants, and animals. And people with a common since of decency. It's your best bet."



I took in what he said one word at a time. There were still trees in the east... i could keep my promise to Hikari.



"Well," i said slowly. "I guess i know were i'm going now. Thanks Shin. We'll make it."



I turned and walked away. As i walked, a single tear fell from my eye. I knew it was very unlikely that i would ever see Shin again.



I ran home the same way i came. Wasting no time, taking no chances. When i got back to the apartment, it was 5: 12 AM. Hikari had not moved an inch. I breathed a short sigh of relief. I had to make sure she didn't find out what happened. I laid down next to her, wrapping my arms around her to keep her warm. Again, I fell asleep. She didn't wake up until 7:23 AM. I felt her move slightly and the began stretching as she did every morning.I let go of her so she could move around. Until finally she turned and looked at me with her sweet eyes. I kissed her good morning and then slowly got out of our bed.



"Pack you're things," I told her. "We're leaving in a month,"
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Re: So, i'm writing a novel.

Postby timfoss » Sun Oct 03, 2010 11:15 pm

Are all the chapter titles gonna be named after bad soft-rock songs?
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Re: So, i'm writing a novel.

Postby Pyrokinesis » Sun Oct 03, 2010 11:18 pm

timfoss wrote:Are all the chapter titles gonna be named after bad soft-rock songs?
Well... yes actually. That's my pattern. The next two chapters are "She Sells Sanctuary" and "Find Your Way Back".
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Re: So, i'm writing a novel.

Postby timfoss » Sun Oct 03, 2010 11:24 pm

Pyrokinesis wrote:
timfoss wrote:Are all the chapter titles gonna be named after bad soft-rock songs?
Well... yes actually. That's my pattern. The next two chapters are "She Sells Sanctuary" and "Find Your Way Back".


Oh. Okay then lol. Just to let you know, having a city in the future starting with "neo" comes across as super cheesy IMO...and not the good kind like cheesnips of canned cheese...... and now I want some **** cheesenips -_-
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Re: So, i'm writing a novel.

Postby Pyrokinesis » Sun Oct 03, 2010 11:27 pm

timfoss wrote:
Pyrokinesis wrote:
timfoss wrote:Are all the chapter titles gonna be named after bad soft-rock songs?
Well... yes actually. That's my pattern. The next two chapters are "She Sells Sanctuary" and "Find Your Way Back".


Oh. Okay then lol. Just to let you know, having a city in the future starting with "neo" comes across as super cheesy IMO...and not the good kind like cheesnips of canned cheese...... and now I want some **** cheesenips -_-
I know its cheesy... but its supposed to be. What im trying to do is make a fusion of Akira and something like Wolf's Rain. Thenjust add the pregnency for a subtle message.
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Re: So, i'm writing a novel.

Postby vedicardi » Mon Oct 04, 2010 12:30 am

Don't listen to your friends. They don't know good writing or are trying to make you feel better. Seriously listen to the advice you've been given and USE it
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Re: So, i'm writing a novel.

Postby timfoss » Mon Oct 04, 2010 1:05 am

We have to find somewhere we can go... Somwhere safe for... babies


I imagine William Shatner saying this[/quote]


hahahaha, ditto.
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Re: So, i'm writing a novel.

Postby Metallicaholic666 » Mon Oct 04, 2010 6:29 am

timfoss wrote:Are all the chapter titles gonna be named after bad soft-rock songs?

Them be fightin words.
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Re: So, i'm writing a novel.

Postby warhol » Mon Oct 04, 2010 6:21 pm

I used to enjoy fanfictions about Ragnarok Online that had japanese names, etc.
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Re: So, i'm writing a novel.

Postby vedicardi » Mon Oct 04, 2010 8:07 pm

I read inuyasha fanfics when I was 12 do I win something
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Re: So, i'm writing a novel.

Postby slashfan7964 » Mon Oct 04, 2010 8:23 pm

vedicardi wrote:I read inuyasha fanfics when I was 12 do I win something



Yeah
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